More and more, you're spending a good chunk of your work day feeling frustrated, under-appreciated, overwhelmed and even resentful. Inside you're annoyed by something someone else is or isn’t doing. You're having trouble shaking the thought that your boss or peers don't value what you do. You're struggling with a sense that your opinions and contributions are overlooked or downright ignored.
I hear from clients who are finding it harder and harder to show up at work each day. There's some concern that performance is starting to suffer and worry that others are noticing. I also hear from people that it's not exactly the job duties that are the problem--it's more of a slow burn of resentment at having to miss out on things-- a child’s school or sports activities due to work hours or commute, lack of vacation time, benefits, opportunities for advancement etc.
You might take any of these as a sign it’s time to change your career, leave a job or shutter a business. You might begin to daydream of turning in your resignation, packing up your desk and walking out, putting the "out of business" sign on the door and never returning.
I've talked to people who have resigned abruptly (that's putting it nicely) and sure, it felt a little liberating in the moment but that's all that was. The moment was fleeting, and sometimes the fallout made things pretty difficult afterwards.
I say, rather than burn bridges, we try another approach. If we’ve gotten to the “I dream about all the ways I could make a dramatic exit phase", we probably don’t have a whole lot to lose by trying something else first!! I've worked with more than one person who got a little physical with the powers that be before making their exit. Obviously, that's never okay. Whatever the cause of our feelings of overwhelm, frustration and resentment at work, typically they're symptoms of something much bigger.
The most common symptom I see is this: We haven't asked for what we WANT. There was a time when we had our eye on something, there was something we wished for but we didn't speak up and then it seemed too late so we just kept pushing it down.
We didn't want to appear ungrateful, or pushy, or didn't know how to communicate our needs so we held back.
Now, I would never say that we should always get what we want. We might not even get what we need simply by asking for it. We're actually not always entitled to that. What we are entitled to is our voice but it's up to us to learn how to use it. This comes in the form of communication, boundary enforcement, and our own awareness of where we have agency.
If you're constantly battling feelings of overwhelm, frustration and resentment at work (or in life), you might not be asking enough of the people around you. When you become crystal clear about what you want, what you need, and build up the courage to ask for these things, you soon learn that this can be some pretty powerful magic.
How do you access this magic I speak of?
Recognize if you fall into either of these categories:
Acting like a martyr
or
Acting like a delicate flower
Notice if you're acting like the grown up that you are. Are you managing your own uncomfortable feelings or are you expecting others to absorb them? Are you letting others manage their own uncomfortable feelings or are you trying to absorb or avoid them?
It's never too late to stop doing things the way they've always been done. We all need to learn how to say no and be okay with it. We all need to learn to hear no from others and be okay with it.
Just as you need to get comfortable saying “no” to unreasonable demands, it’s equally important that you become more comfortable hearing it. Let's face it, just as you can’t fulfill everyone else’s requests, they can’t always fulfill yours. This isn’t personal. Other people need to enforce their boundaries the same way you do. So, when you get the courage to ask your boss for the promotion and they say “no”, you don't need to make this mean they are a big a-hole, fall in a heap to the floor and spiral into a pit of self-loathing and dejection. Life will go on. Hasn't it always? Don’t assume this is a personal rejection – say thank you and move along. I'm not saying you have to be thrilled with their response but at least now you know where you stand and now you can plan your next steps. Now you can enforce YOUR boundary, the same same they enforced theirs.
There is so much power in simply asking for exactly what you want!
Please don’t build your courage and then, at the last minute ask for less because you are afraid of being told “no”. Don’t hold back to avoid making other people feel uncomfortable or in some weird attempt to make being told “no” less painful. Most times, you will get no more than what you have the courage to ask for! I’m not saying to stomp on other people, be rude, arrogant or otherwise disrespectful but demonstrate self-respect which in turn will command respect from others. Being courageous (even for just a few minutes) almost always results in you getting more than you would have received otherwise.
I've had clients endure commutes that felt miserable to them for a decade because they didn't want to feel the discomfort of asking to work from home a couple days a week. I've had clients never ask for a raise because they feared the answer would be no.
The important thing, I think, is this: it's almost never whether or not you get what you want (although that can be spectacularly awesome). It's having the courage to ask and knowing where you stand so you can decide if and when it's time to move on.
Don’t expect people to read your mind. This is what I mean when I say, act like the grown up you are. Communicate.
Moaning, groaning, whining and complaining doesn’t help. Instead, learn and then practice clear, assertive, communication. Don’t assume other people (boss, colleagues, friends, spouse) can telepathically understand and anticipate your every want, need, and desire. It is up to us to say what we mean and mean what we say. Crying about our unfulfilled needs won’t make them met. Instead of feeling hurt or upset when your boss, spouse, co-workers or friends do not act the way you expect them to, first assume they have not understood or are not aware of your expectations. It’s up to you to make them clear. They are not mind readers. Make your needs clear and specific. Don’t ask for something to be done “soon” when you can ask for it to be done by noon. Don’t assume someone else will interpret something the way you will.
If you feel confident you clearly communicated your boundaries, a request, or a need, and it is violated, ignored, or rejected, you now have valuable information to help you plot your next move. This is how boundaries work. They're not intended to dictate the behaviour of others, they're intended to dictate how YOU will behave.
A passive aggressive approach and dropping hints doesn’t work.
Asking for and receiving less than you really want - from yourself, from others and from life – isn’t doing anybody any favours. What are you putting up with? Consider this: Take action to figure out who you are, what you want, and to build the courage to ask for it. You just might get it!
Ready to make a career change, or a job move and want some support to make it easier and more successful?
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Sarah took the Make Work Better quiz and said this:
“Christine! I wanted to say thanks. I completed the quiz and then it clicked: I don't feel my contributions are recognized or valued by my employer. Time to have a tough conversation and make some decisions. Thanks for the nudge.”
Kim, a one on one coaching client had this to say about working with me:
I followed Christine on social media for quite some time before I reached out so I felt confident that she was the right coach for me. I’d recommend her coaching for anyone who feels stuck in their career and doesn’t quite know where to begin – anyone looking for accountability and motivation to change. Working with Christine led to a huge shift in my thinking about the level of power I have over my personal contentment. What I liked best about working with Christine was that I felt safe – she is genuine, honest and supportive – so I was able to be vulnerable and easily share what I needed in order to move forward. Her constant reassurance that it’s okay to continue exploring, shifting and changing as I grow was invaluable for my piece of mind. Most importantly, Christine believed in me when I had trouble believing in myself. She helped me truly internalize that no matter what obstacles and challenges arise, I can persevere and continue moving forward.
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